Survivor South Pacific Spoiler-filled Finale Review!

It's the Survivor South Pacific finale! Treachery! Betrayal! Long boring walks remembering voted-out Survivors!

And, in case you haven't figured it out by now, this review contains SPOILERS. And, frankly, including that word in my title quadruples the number of views I get. So if you don't want to know who wins, you'd better head off here.

The final duel between Ozzy and Russell Hantz's Nephew was ... hanging on a pole. Guess the producers ran out of ideas. Russell Hantz's Nephew finally dropped off somewhere past the 40 minute mark. He's on the jury. Ozzy is back in the game.

Coach and Ozzy had a chat about the final three. Ozzy doesn't believe that Coach really wants Ozzy in the final three. Coach made a basketball analogy. Obviously, he's been watching Amazing Race. Coach also noted that everyone has promised him a spot in the final three, "So it's my game to lose." Well, he's doomed.

The first immunity challenge was some ridiculous one-handed house of cards building thing that barely had enough cards to complete the challenge. And you had to do it on a teeter-totter balanced with the other hand. It was ridiculously difficult. After what seemed like 80 years, Ozzy won immunity. And if that didn't annoy everyone else on the tribe, particularly Sophie.

Sophie had a meltdown at tribal council over having her character called into question. Apparently, she forgot which game she was playing. It was uncomfortable at times, honestly.

Coach wore his hidden immunity idol, as this was the last tribal council in which he could play it. And then he didn't play it. HA! Tremendous. And, of course, he didn't get a single vote.

Someone named "Rick" was voted out. Dunno who that is.

Ozzy says his Plan B is to win. As opposed to his Plan A, which is to win. Um ... yeah.

Coach got annoyed at Ozzy for spilling the beans at tribal council for saying Coach would take him to the final three. Ozzy defended it as having something to do with having his heart broken by people's lack of trust or something and Coach bought it.

The final immunity challenge was an obstacle course puzzle race. Sophie won the final immunity. Ozzy said a bad word.

Ozzy gave Coach the big guilt trip about Coach wanting to take Ozzy to the final three.

At tribal council, Ozzy pitched for a tie vote so he'd have a fighting chance in a fire-making challenge tie-breaker. Alas, it was not to be. Ozzy got voted out. OK, if Coach doesn't win this now, it's gonna be an absolute crime and the entire season will have been a giant waste of time.

I mean, the final three are ALBERT, SOPHIE and Coach. Really now.

Sigh. Let's just cut to the chase. The winner of Survivor South Pacific is:




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